


only get lonely when

by homesickghosts



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Angst, Depression, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Mentions of alcohol, Non descriptive mentions of sex, References to Depression, and dare i say, getting better
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-08
Updated: 2018-11-08
Packaged: 2019-08-20 12:02:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,080
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16555388
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/homesickghosts/pseuds/homesickghosts
Summary: He films the video and then deletes it. He deletes the outline he made too. Hell, he’d delete himself if he could.





	only get lonely when

**Author's Note:**

> Rated teen specifically because of swearing and mentions of sex. Song titled from Coffee's for closure by fall out boy.

It’s not really his scene, but Phil wanted to go to this dumb party, so Dan tagged along. At least he’s getting out of the apartment. He knows most of the people there, but they’re all people whose texts and calls he’s been avoiding for months now and they all smile awkwardly when they make eye contact. He feels out of place, lost, and alone, even with Phil standing right next to him. But he’s felt this way for months now, so there’s no real difference. He’s handed a drink with a “you looked sad” thrown into it so he swallows it nearly in one gulp. Phil’s lost in the crowd somewhere, instead of sitting next to Dan in the corner closest to the snack table. He doesn’t blame Phil though, he knows he’s been a real downer lately. Someone too close to him laughs a little too loudly and Dan snaps his neck up, startled. It’s the first time in a good ten minutes that he’s looked up from his phone. He wants to go home, but home hasn’t felt like much lately. Plus he’d just go back to laying in his room, avoiding Phil’s sad gaze. Phil’s always looking at him with huge puppy-dog eyes lately. Like Dan’s about to get up and leave. Like Dan would (could) ever. He only feels remotely guilty. Mostly just tired. Mostly he wonders how the fuck he ended up here. Depressed and sitting by himself at a party he wasn’t even actually invited to. Sometimes he feels like his life’s slipping through his fingers and all he can do is watch. Sometimes all he can do is stare at the wall and listen to sad music just to make himself even sadder. Phil always changes it to happy, upbeat music when he catches Dan moping. And then Phil’s stumbling over to where Dan is - not drunk (yet) but tipsy enough to be more clumsy than usual. “Wanna make out?” he whispers, pushing into Dan’s space, onto Dan’s lap. Dan doesn’t even have the chance to nod before lips and teeth meet. ~ Phil’s bed doesn’t cure his depression. Phil’s mouth and hands and words can’t cure his depression. Only his meds can and he knows this. Phil knows this. So Phil always makes sure Dan’s taken his meds on time and Dan goes to his therapy appointments. Phil can’t fix Dan, both of them know this. But Phil draws Dan a bath and climbs in with him. Because sometimes washing his own hair feels like too much. Because sometimes Dan’s legs feel like they’re going to fall out from beneath of him if he stands up. Phil dries him off and presses a kiss to Dan’s lips. “Sex won’t cure your depression but it sure the hell makes you happy,” Phil says. “You make me happy.” Dan grins into their kiss as Phil’s hands wander down. ~ Dan’s been throwing up for what feels like his entire life now, even though he knows he’s only been in the bathroom for a good five minutes. God. How could he be so stupid. How long has he been on this fucking medication and then he forgets to refill it? Phil’s there with a cup of water when Dan leaves the bathroom. “Thanks,” Dan says and chugs the whole thing. Phil just smiles at him awkwardly. “What?” Dan asks. It comes out more aggressive than he intends for it to. He doesn’t apologize. “Would you maybe wanna play Mario Kart or something?” “I’d rather just die,” Dan says and rolls his eyes. Phil bites his lip. “Don’t say that.” Dan grits his teeth. “Sorry, love. I’m just not up for playing Mario Kart right now. Maybe later?” Phil doesn’t pout (he wants to). Dan doesn’t feel bad. Dan doesn’t fucking feel anything. Phil leaves and goes back to the living room. Dan stands awkwardly in the middle of his room until he hears the PS4 boot up and a game start. He grabs his jacket and heads out the door. “Dan?” Phil calls out. Dan doesn’t say anything and just slams the door. He comes back hours later. Phil’s stirs on the couch. “Love?” Phil mumbles, still half asleep. “I’m sorry,” Dan says. He leans over the couch and presses a kiss onto Phil’s forehead. “I think I’m gonna do a liveshow real quick.” “You sure you’re up for that?” Phil asks. He scratches his ankle, letting his stupid emoji pajamas ride up. “No,” Dan admits. He shrugs. “But I need to give them something.” Phil frowns and gives Dan a look like he’s going to say something, but Dan leaves before anything is said. “Daniel Lester. Good suggestion!” Dan says sarcastically. He’s so sick of everything. His career, his life, his entire fucking being. Doing a liveshow right now was a bad idea but hell hindsight is 20/20. Dan ends the liveshow soon after. “Hey,” he says. He’s been clenching his jaw for so long his teeth ache. Phil’s still on the couch, still wearing the stupid pajamas. “You saw?” “Yeah, I was watching.” “I love you,” Dan says. He all but throws himself on the couch. “I love you too.” Dan just sighs and buries his face in Phil’s lap. ~ He films the video and then deletes it. He deletes the outline he made too. Hell, he’d delete himself if he could. Phil’s in the lounge when Dan comes (storming) out. He plops himself down into Phil’s lap, upturning the popcorn bowl and ignoring Phil’s “hey!” of protest. “Everything sucks and my life is pointless.” “Things are only hard right now and you are struggling to find a direction to take. Is it the video?” “Yeah,” Dan mumbles into Phil’s stomach and bites down. Phil gasps and squirms. “You don’t have to post anything you don’t want to, love.” “I haven’t posted anything in months. People are getting bored.” “So let them get bored.” “But I’m a YouTuber. I should be posting videos.” “You’re a creator,” Phil says, his buttery fingers playing with Dan’s hair. He knows Dan will complain once he realizes, but Phil can’t help himself. “I love your curls.” “‘M still not used to them.” “You still look good.” “Thank you,” Dan says and presses a kiss to Phil’s stomach where his shirt has been rucked up. “I think I’ll need your help with this video.” Dan’s up and back to his computer before Phil has the chance to respond.

**Author's Note:**

> I haven't posted in so long pls love me also my tumblr is drydockedvessel so like give me love there too if you want.


End file.
